Daily Prompt: Subdued

via Daily Prompt: Subdued

 

Do you remember?

The first day I saw your face, and how you made my heart skip a beat?

The first time our eyes met, and how that moment felt like a lifetime?

The first words we’ve spoken, those hi’s and hello’s,

And how other people noticed and teased and probed?

 

Do you remember?

When your friends would call my name when the teacher’s not there,

And I would look back and see your beaming smile?

Then, I would act upset and look at you with animosity,

but deep inside I cannot breathe, and it is hard keeping it.

 

Do you remember?

When we used to walk home together with friends and acquaintances,

Who somehow knows the truth behind the glances, the words we dare not speak?

It was something we understood, but too afraid to explore.

Yes, it was something, I thought I was sure there was more.

 

Do you remember?

When one day you left without a goodbye?

I was left behind, asking, still hoping to see your smile.

And I did see your smile, once in a while from a distance.

What have I not done in those rare moments to see that precious smile?

 

Do you remember?

The time I saw you with someone else,

and how it broke my heart into several pieces?

Pretending all is well, and that it meant nothing,

and kept those subdued feelings I cried for in the evening.

 

Do you remember?

How people teased me more, for thinking that there would be someday for us?

For staying loyal to my feelings, while you forgot yours?

But I held myself together and kept my poise.

For it is useless to feel sorry if you do not want me to be yours.

 

Do you remember?

The day you came and asked what I was waiting for, for many years?

Thinking I was still feeling the same way I had for you after many years.

It came unexpectedly, or just because I was not expecting any more.

It was a little too late to be bold, the feelings are no more.

 

Do you remember?

I know you don’t.

For there is nothing to remember, but what was told.

There are questions of what could have been and it is alright.

For what have become of us turned out right.

#

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Designated Ugly Fat Friend

Just finished watching the movie…

It is true though that in life we get labeled or we don’t get labeled, but we feel a certain barrier placed between us and the so called standard beauty.

The Duff or Designated Ugly Fat Friend can be anybody – one who is considered the gateway to the more attractive species in your circle of friends.

Back in highschool i was not even fat, i was so thin that at 14 my friends looked like 16, i looked like 11.

How many times have guys (boys) would talk to me just so they can ask about my friends. How many times have i cried knowing that my crushes (him and him and him…likes them).

I guess no matter how intellectual (ahem) a person is, adolescence is a time when hormones drive you crazy about opposite sex. It kind of makes your love bubbles pop.

At a young age i know was a duff although there was no label back then but the description above is very accurate.

I understand it was partly because of the looks (kidding – it is always about the looks. Love starts in attraction, beauty is your catalyst to love.) 

Once a classmate even told me, if i make his science homework, he would court me in return of the favor.

All the while, there was no feeling of belongingness. As teenager, that was what we needed but that is what is deprive from duffs.

Insecurities at hike, emotions at strike, i kept my distance from friends and unconsciously I was looking for a way to the duff thing out of my back. This resulted to me labeled as a weirdo. 😂

Solitude was a good, actually a great friend and a teddy bear is the best companion. There were no disappointment, no embarrasment and no expectations. Ofcourse I have friends, I never banished them. I never would or could cause I love them. The perfect term would be being reserved. I invested less emotion in order to protect myself from getting hurt. 

At that point, all that is in my mind was ‘people + love = pain’.

In order to keep sane (like most people would, i’d go to my special spot or spots where i can hide and think of everything under the sun: past, present, future). Or simply escape into my favorite radio station and watch my favorite dj. (Sorry, even on my lowest points of emotional turmoil i still did not resort to drinking, smoking or sniffing whatever -pretty boring huh! – i am a good girl and they cant take that away from me 😇).

I tell you, even in my favorite station, i have been duffed by other djs but not my favorite dj. He treated me like a little sister, and that ACCEPTANCE was all that mattered. It felt special and warm in the heart.

He inspired me to be responsible because he was a working student (college by day, dj by night). I told myself I can be like him or better. There is hope, I will change my future. I started to dream again cause amongst all the positive effects he brought into my life, He has ignited that confidence in me that hello if a handsome fellow talks to me like this, then i must be interesting.🙆🏻

Eventually (fourth year), i decided to open a window out of my box. Started to let people come to my life and learned to accept the consequences – after all i cannot be a duff without my gorgeous girlfriends.👯👯

But hey, that year I found out I can write (just like this protagonist in the movie), won best in the district, 2nd best in the region, and 6th best in entire Philippines – not bad eh! 

So I guess what I am saying is being Duff is a choice to feel bad about, or something we can choose to accept and live with. We may not be liked by most people, but there will be those few true people that would love us just the way we are.

“I have changed my equation to people + love = pain:happiness” – i suck at math 🤓

Well this was me with highschool. College was another disaster. But lets talk about that on my next diary/ blog entry cause yeah if you were reading carefully, you would know that i have only opened a window from my wall. So many more things have happened before i found my “wrecking ball”.

Hello! It is so typical of me to talk about myself (sorry not sorry).

-CarmelaMS 👄